onwards
things at home, a book signing event in Jaipur, writing and blogging tips, favorite reads, 1st print of my book sold out, and some good and bad stuff to watch
Dear Reader,
Thank you for being here.
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I’m restless today as the time to move on has come again. From my parents’ abode where I have been for more than two months, I will first head out to Jaipur, a city in the desert state of Rajasthan, where I have a conversation and book signing at The White Crow Books and Coffee this Sunday, June 29. I’m excited to be speaking with the people of Jaipur, who are also coming to perform in an open mic event: sing, play music, read poetry, and listen to this author talk about her writing journey and ask any questions they may have. My travel memoir Journeys Beyond and Within… would be available for purchase, and if one likes a signed copy, I’d be more than happy to sign the book for them.
If you are in Jaipur, I’d love to see you. The event is at The White Crow Books and Coffee at 4 p.m. Please follow along on my Instagram page to see the complete event details (if you are there, otherwise you already have the venue and time).
I hope to meet you there :)
Being anxious about packing up and changing places, getting on the road, after months is usual, expected. My chest and stomach are tight, and my throat is heavy. But I should be used to being on the road: my partner and I have been traveling in India with all our things in the car for more than four years. Though I feel unsettled every time I move after a pause, the main reason why I am so clenched is because things haven’t been easy at home.
At my parents’ house, my mother and father are old, still independent though. Very arrogantly, I show up here with my partner often, and we both wrongly assume that we will make it our house too. That’s unfair of us. My parents have had their way of doing things for decades now. And as we children live away, in our own cities or villages, they are not used to changing their ways for anyone, except when they visit one of us and when they know they are out of their system so they will have to adjust. It’s very hard for them to understand why I might not want my room cleaned every day or why my husband/partner/best friend likes to press my feet.
There are deeper, minor, social, and inconsequential things too. How the tea pan should be rinsed, which lights and fans should be switched on, how dare we keep the wine in the fridge, if we sit on Papa’s chair we should be prepared to move, and how the neighbors who do not let us park my car on the free road outside their home should be asked to move out of the way to our house which they often clutter with their cots, bathing tubs, cycles, bikes, etc (I insist upon the last one).
Emotional outbursts of my mother who has survived decades of patriarchy and now wants to set things right and is finding it harder to understand her own emotions also leave me drained on many days. I wish I could help her more but she won’t accept the standard practices of therapy, meditation, or even talking about how things can be improved and how solutions can be found. Instead, at the moment, everyone is her enemy. The idea is to be at home and worry about the cleanliness and the wellbeing of the house, disregarding every member’s wellbeing on the way.
My father who is known to be hard spoken said something to me a few weeks earlier that left me always talking to him from a distance, not hugging or caressing him anymore (which I used to do though he doesn’t like being physically close and I don’t remember when was the last time I saw him hugging anyone), and to always remember my place, which is of a daughter’s, of someone much younger than him, and something else I am not sure of.
These undercurrents and outbreaks — not always just about habits hard to change and systems we are used to but also deeper: socially, economically, and psychologically — tire me. Talking about them is mentally and physically exhausting, but I still try, only to feel I shouldn’t have said anything.
I know that at home, especially being at parents’ home should only be about happiness and joy: I mean how can all of us not appreciate this privilege we have and be joyous all the time that we are — all — still together — breathing, eating, sucking mangoes, and under a roof with a garden fragrant with hibiscus, the queen of the night, rose, jasmine, mango, curry leaf, lemon, and many more bounties of nature. Morning to evening should be a celebration, but it hasn’t been, and now I have accepted that it will never be.
Our closest ones’ expectations of us often spill into that dark zone of being unexplainable, infinite, and entitled. No matter what you do, you will fall short. And then, perhaps, it is not as much about you not trying hard enough as about the finish line being so far that even if you drop, crawl, or run, you will never reach it.
The ribbon keeps shifting further and further away.
I have been feeling sad and guilty for weeks now, thinking of how estranged we have become in one home, wishing I could forget what was said to me in burning moments of anger, envy, and personal frustration. I try to forgive and forget. Then something fresh happens, cutting through me like a piece of glass, and I collapse inwards, restricting myself to my room, my work, and my partner, fearing that any moment spent bantering or strolling leisurely around the house can bring more of those fresh cuts. I have not smiled freely, spoken freely, and played freely in weeks; I have not been me.
Why did I continue to stay on? So many times I could have left the next morning or that evening itself. My partner and I can spend as much time as we want to in any place. We are definitely used to finding guesthouses even at 8 pm. It’s not always easy to check into a hotel though, nor is it always comfortable. When I am settled in one place with my pens and books on a table, thinking I could spend some more days here, suddenly packing up is hard.
I think it is also the hope that things will get better. Or that I shouldn’t create a scene. Or a little bit of my hesitation to go back to Bed and Breakfasts so soon when my childhood home seems to have enough space for me and my partner. After all, there is no one here apart from my parents and us and the cleaning staff who comes and goes.
But maybe this is where I went wrong. Last summer, too, I came home and left thinking that I wouldn’t come again to stay. Then this year in Delhi, 120 km from my parents’ city, I had the majority of my book printing and distribution work. After a month and a half of running around in blistering heat, I got tired of living in guest homes, and my parents’ home seemed too tempting and too close to ignore. My parents’ company during this delicious and hard time when my book was starting to walk on its feet also was too tempting.
Memory plays tricks as well, and I forgot how we had felt last year and what had happened, and we came again. I was wrong to assume that there is space here for us.
For now, I am overwhelmed by this guilt that I should have left after a bad day, saving us all from this mutual coldness and estrangement. Most importantly, saving us from this dead hope that we can live together happily. At least, thus I would not have strengthened my parents’ belief that parents can say anything to their children, and it is up to the children to move on. At least I wouldn’t have felt guilty for not smiling at my mother, not hugging her as often as I did, for not asking her what special thing she would like for dinner that might build her appetite, and so on.
But for now, I am also folding clothes, looking at hotels, and slowly packing up my life here, while a storm is brewing up in my mother’s heart, why can’t I stay when her eyes are being treated and she needs me? Everything I did last year and this year so far is clouded and what is only visible is how I am not standing up to take care of her now. I really can’t pause my life for an indefinite period, at least a month or more, only to barely breathe every day, and my partner won’t survive here another day.
I am sorry to all the parents and children reading this letter but I do think that I have tried very hard and can’t do it anymore.
I don’t expect things to be all easy on the road either; I am emotionally drained, and I am beginning the journey with almost more than a week of solo travel, yes usually my cup of tea but it's been more than a couple of years since I went on a trip solo, or at least so I remember. I know, like always, the path will bring its own serendipities, and I'm looking forward to them.
I am happy with the promise of meeting readers, seeing new places, talking about my book, hanging out with friends wherever I can, living in new homes, and breathing into that fresh air and fresh perspective that only an unseen patch of this earth can overwhelm us with.
At least I could be me again, I could play freely.
What have you accepted about life?
On a more positive note, here is a picture of me playing around in our garden when my parents were taking an afternoon siesta.
For this week’s letter,
Some of my past writing,
quotes I love,
things to read,
and
things to watch.
Cubbon Park – Bangalore’s Eye Candy and My Green Oasis
My love affair with one of the biggest and wildest park in Bangalore city. Though I don’t live in Bangalore anymore, I can close my eyes and transport myself to Cubbon Park. Read if you have your own cozy spaces in nature and to know more about Bangalore, rules in Karnataka park, the ecosystem of this particular park, or to just see some delicious tree pictures.
Read the green article now. Or Pocket it for later.
Writing and Blogging Tips
I was not always a writer. I started my journey as a science girl. I worked in banks and software firms.
Here you will find my best writing and blogging tips that have helped me run a successful blog for almost eight years, publish a travel memoir, and get hired by companies for freelance writing in all genres.
This is me trying to say, if I can do it, you can too.
Get to my writing practices now. Or Pocket them for the weekend.
Quotes I Love
“Experience is not what happens to you; it is what you do with what happens to you.”
Aldous Huxley
There is this quiet strength we live on, drawing it from the innermost parts of our being. The energy pool shrinks and expands, and so does our power to draw from it day to day. The harder and more bitterly we try, the less comes through. But the more gently and hopefully we pull in, the gates of the dams break through. The river rusheth, and there is nothing one has to do.
Yours Truly
What I’ve Been Reading
I’ve been reading short stories, books, articles, and so much more. I can’t possibly list all what I have read in the past week so I’m putting down the things I found most relevant and worthwhile.
1. The fascinating story of a Book Man by Mayank Austen Soofi: The life and legacy of Delhi’s Book Man for whom books meant more than anything else.
2. A one of its kind Travel Writing Festival on Wheels and Beaches by Akankshya Abismruta: If you happen to be in India around November/December, this travel festival might be fun.
3. I know my reads this fortnight are all overloaded with books or bookstores, but I have to share this one for I am so inspired. The last standing independent bookstores in Hyderabad are all run by women by Mallik Thatipalli: I’m happy that two of these bookstores will soon have my book too :)
“Does the fact that all these bookstores are run by women who have turned their love for reading into warm, intentional spaces of community have an underlying link?”
4. How to make a Living as a Writer by Gabrielle Drolet — This is a charming story of a writer who is enduring pain and still making through it, taking up every odd writing job that comes her way. Gabrielle’s life and toil inspires me to keep going and to take more odd jobs too.
5. Bite it, squeeze it, suck it… The right way to eat mango by Nikesh Shukla: What a delicious piece!
6. Something I read in an Instagram post stayed stuck with me, and so I am sharing a part of the caption here.
Reading on a quiet #Sunday morning helps slow down things in the otherwise hurry-burry of the unforgiving weekday. Sundays, on the other hand have a big heart. Forever forgiving, I like the sense of time and space a new Sunday morning brings. That's why I especially make sure I'm up on time to make the most of my Sundays.
Courtesy Surabhi
7. This is a little book thread that I shared on Twitter earlier but I want to put it in here, too. Because it’s a beautiful story, journey of my book really, and how it’s going various places.
Exceptional reviews, Book in stores around India, 1st print sold out.
Created this dreamy graphic the last week to share with book stores around India who have been the absolute champions of Journeys Beyond and Within…. This poster — containing my travel memoir's cover, an About the Author, and a little bit about the book — is to tell them about the memoir but also for them to share it wherever they like.
But it's also for all of you. It's to tell you that the travel memoir is on Amazon globally and also in book stores in India. From the mighty Bangalore to Hassan to Calcutta to Meerut to Jaipur Chandigarh Dehradun Indore Pune Lucknow Gurgaon Rishikesh — Journeys is everywhere and is reaching soon where it isn't yet.
Some photos the book shops have been sending me,
The first print of the book — all 550 copies are now either sold or waiting to be bought in bookstores around India. This is in addition to all the copies that have been sold online. And the second print is all freshly fragrantly printed, already going out.
Sikkim Express: "Carpe diem just found a new address in Priyanka Gupta's Journeys Beyond and Within..."
The Telegraph Online: "Priyanka Gupta's new book chronicles extraordinary travel experiences that transform perspectives."
As book stores from around India send me messages of my book in their glorious windows, I am beyond thrilled. Someone says they are reading a copy, while another has the book just stocked. The historical Oxford Bookstore in Delhi sold out Journeys... within weeks and has now restocked it. The path hasn't been easy, but I am buckled up to climb all the way.
Happy reading! And grateful to all those who have put their trust in me, my writing, and my baby.
And to those who haven’t yet seen the travel memoir or know what it’s about, here’s a 59-second book trailer:
All Amazon links here, or search for the title on your Amazon. Journeys Beyond and Within… is available around the world, in paperback, hardcase, and ebook formats.
My travel memoir is also in bookstores around India. If you can’t find a copy at your favorite bookshop, let me know. I’ll make sure it reaches there.
8. Another beautiful review of Journeys Beyond and Within… that I have the privilege to share here.
Please see the screenshots below, or read the review on Instagram here (only if you are on Instagram): Book: Journeys Beyond and Within… Author: Priyanka Gupta
9. Alice’s Adventures Under Ground by Lewis Caroll — I’ve been enjoying reading and looking at a facsimile of the 1864 manuscript of Alice’s Adventures Under Ground, a book I have previously enjoyed. This copy is a special edition, an exact copy of 1864’s handwritten and hand-drawn manuscript that is bringing me immense pleasure. Thankful to the bookstores where I find old gems :)
What I’ve Been Watching/Listening
that’s worth mentioning
1. Hari Bhari, an old movie I saw with my mother one evening on my Mac: It’s a Shyam Benegal classic with an important narrative on the then social structure of the Indian Muslims but also of the larger society. I think the affinity towards having a son and early marriage are still prevalent problems in many parts of India, and the world.
2. Something in the Rain: It’s a South-Korean television series which isn’t perfect, and the lead female character is inconsistent and irritating. But I like the series for consistent performances, slow music, glimpses of Korean food, and the pauses in between: the scenes are not rushed, people are shown thinking, and there’s a stillness in here that I appreciate.
3. The Royals (on Netflix): I’m ashamed to say I enjoyed this series despite a poorly written script, cliche dialogues, incoherent characters, stupid situations, and dresses and homes that didn’t make sense. I binged on The Royals two weeks ago. It had been a hard week, and I wanted to vent out. It had everything I needed: color, drama, dance, love, rhythmic music, unbelievable glamor which is utterly futile but helped me get out of my world, and comedy too. Very important people doing very important things and having a life as hard as anyone’s made me think, “Okay everyone is losing it. Life is a splendid show but with its unbelievable cruelty.”
I’m not sure if I will recommend this to you though. So why am I sharing it here? Because not everything has to be good for us to enjoy it. I was in that moment when I needed this series, perhaps, and so I am putting it down here for honesty’s sake. I also watch bad scripts sometimes because that’s all I can get my hands on. Sorry!
4. The Trial: It’s an entertaining and thoughtful television series but has many flaws which make it just a one-time watch, nothing to admire nor remember of. The one-way rise of the lead character, cliched dialogues, monologues, overdramatic situations, lazy script, and so on. Come to think of it I wouldn’t recommend this television series and suggest you choose another courtroom drama.
And for all adventure lovers!
some travel photos
***
Thank you for reading! I hope you have a great weekend.
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Yours,
Priyanka
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Felt good reading this. Am at the doc's as I read, waiting for that inevitable advice to get papa into an MRI lab (again!). Life's depressing when parents are old/unwell with no hope of improving. Amid all that... nice to know there are flowers, cheap guesthouses in unknown places, unread books waiting...