many roses
loving oneself, the ground we walk upon, irregular routines, book excerpt, personal growth, and latest pictures
Dear Reader,
Thank you for being here.
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“Kindness visited me today — not from someone else, but from within. It reminded me of all the grace, patience, and compassion I so easily give to others, yet often withhold from myself. I’ve spent so much time being understanding of everyone else’s mistakes, forgiving their flaws, and cheering them on, but somewhere along the way, I forgot that I deserve that same love.”
I have goosebumps every time I read these words. How does this aspiring writer know my situation exactly? I, too, tell a friend: It’s okay if you’re comparing yourself with that friend but let me tell you, you’re doing great. I’m proud of you, and you should be, too. To my father — Papa, it’s okay if the milk is overboiled. It happens sometimes. To a pedestrian: HEY! Here. Let me help you. I bend down to pick up the coins they have dropped.
I have an instinct to remind the other person to go easy on herself, to love her for who she is, and that she must be doing her best. That they are alive and ambitious is enough. Or, if they are rippling along with the ebbs of life, I suggest they ripple on. The ones who are “left behind,” in their words, are special to me. In some secret corner of me, I might be disappointed with them, knowing they could have done better. But I’m also thinking: it’s okay if they don’t want to try harder.
Ironically, I only bestow this love, forgiveness, generosity, and acceptance outward, not on me. I must always do my best and aim for the highest. I should be aspiring, high-performing, and prepared for a storm. Gently rippling is not for me. If I have done good, I should have done better. If I haven’t finished the week’s task list, I haven’t been efficient enough. When something is completed, then it’s the circumstances and nature’s forces but not me, never me.
This is a behavior, a habit, an addiction — whatever you might call it. In the past, I would have gone to the extent of worrying about this practice of mine (Am I not doing the same now?). Why do you overthink? You know that’s a problem with you! An incessant loop. Now I’m not running around in brooding cycles. With so much going on in my head, I won’t be able to handle this — worrying about worrying. I can’t even contemplate it now at this moment.
But the problem persists; as my partner repeats to me, “You are too hard on yourself.”
I have discussed this issue here earlier as well. When I said, I was not focused enough and couldn’t do, mainly what I was saying was — I’m not enough.
And I have tried. I specifically told myself to be easy and gentle with myself. I practiced kindness and forgiveness — “Hey, you did your best. It’s okay.” “You are not looking at what you’ve already achieved.” I called out myself in front of a friend for them to tell me — Don’t be so rough on yourself. I would join them in doing what I couldn’t do single-handedly. I cajoled myself as a loving friend would. “You’re good. You’re great. Everything is ok. You’d have done better if you knew better.” I’d pat myself on the back and grin.
I don’t even want to call my non-lovingness to me a problem. That would mark it in my mind as one.
Osho writes in the book The Buddha Said…: Meeting the Challenge of Life’s Difficulties — “That small things are small. Keep them small.” [Part of my list of life-changing books]
I fear making such thoughts big by talking about them in this letter. That’s why I avoid discussing topics such as having a firm ground to walk upon, like Maybe Baby’s Haley said in one of her letters. While she talks about things we have achieved and can’t notice anymore, as those are our normal, the very oxygen we breathe, I think about things that are missing. Practices I once had I am not able to keep up with now.
I used to meditate much more than I can do now. If I didn’t get half an hour or an hour to sit quietly, I switched on the meditation timer in the Vipassana app and calmed my thoughts, in the shower, while making tea, and as I folded my clothes. I stretched and did yoga. I played the same nice raga every day while showering and another one as I brushed before bed. I’d crane my neck up to the sky to see them stars one last time before turning in for the night. I consciously maintained my posture upright. I had a routine — getting up at a certain time, working, having lunch or salads, more work, followed by an evening session of fun and play. A proper bedtime.
All of this has been run down by my very beloved first book Journeys Beyond and Within…’s oncoming. First, there was the writing of it. That was actually when I stuck to a routine and that routine kept me going. Afterwards came some rest and contract negotiation time when I let go, woke up at ten or eleven, walked on the beach for hours, ate whatever I liked, watched the Jurassic World series into the night — let myself flow. Soon after was travel time — deep into Karnataka, Kerala, and Tamil Nadu. Everything was thrown around then. But I was happy — I was outdoors, under the sun, running against the wind.
When I had to edit the manuscript finally, the schedule returned, clasping me tightly. I woke up at 5 or 6 a.m., worked until evening, and hit bed before ten. After a few months of this, the work and the monotony overpowered me. I would sit late into the night, typing incessantly, finishing as much as I could. I got stuck in this cycle. I picked up yoga and meditation again, knowing those lost habits would save me. Then came a few, long months in the Indian Himalayas of Uttarakhand. I was again out and about, hiking in the higher national parks, walking in villages, listening to the trees. A routine didn’t make sense. I did what was to be done every moment.
The final book launch period was crazy. I was waking up to thousands of messages in the morning on different platforms, and by the time I made tea and had replied to a portion of those messages, the clock struck 11 or 12. The day ate me up. Only slowly I have been able to get back to some normalcy.
Now I miss waking up early, exercising, and meditating before the world starts jolting me around in various directions. I’m following some of these practices. I walk daily. A few days earlier, in my alma mater IIT’s campus, I was on my feet for hours. I climbed to the top of our eight to nine-floor high main academic building. It’s just that I’m not able to wrap these activities around in a beautiful bouquet of colors my choice and petals my picking. Things aren’t happening when I want them to happen. They seem out of control as if they have a mind of their own.
Now I have gone on a tangent venting about what I am not doing. In trying to not talk about the “nots”— I’m talking more about them.
My goal here is to normalize our flaws. To share with you that we are all normal humans, full of flaws, failures, and fluff. Yet we are all here, moving on, every moment, in some direction or the other. What brings me relief is that though I’m far from perfect, I’m also a perfect sample of abundant imperfection. That’s something!
It is neither here nor there, our life. It is always in flux, flowing constantly, generously, in some direction it seems worthy of going toward though we might not understand it at the moment. In my case, I am unhappy with how much I do or how I manage my time or that I am not too kind to myself — knowing that this is counterintuitive and ironic at best.
I’m also the one who jumps into that rare empty seat on the Delhi metro ahead of a long day. I’m the one who snoozes the seven a.m. alarm to let myself rest, and I’m also the one who while working on the laptop closes her eyes intermittently to soothe them.
There is so much I might not be noticing. This is the ground I walk upon.
What is your ground?
At this moment, this excerpt from my book Journeys Beyond and Within... seems relevant.
A thank you note to myself, and the little me
What you forget is that you’ve always been fearless.
Remember when you were a little girl? Every evening you waited for your father to return home on his scooter. As soon as you heard him, you stuttered out some unformed words and wailed. Your parents understood.
You wanted to ride the two-wheeler. You cried until he put you down in its leg space. Only a few months old, you couldn’t stand. Sitting down, you clutched the plastic baggage holder up front.
As the scooter vroom-vroomed, you giggled, your cheeks wet with tears.
Your parents say you were stubborn. That you weren’t scared.
Think of that girl. Weren’t you her?
From where have you accumulated all these fears now? Even the baby girl had faith. She believed in her father, the universe, and herself.
Laugh like that girl again. Look at the world with her inquisitive eyes. Try everything.
As you know, my 1st book is available on Amazon globally, in paperback, hardcase, and ebook formats. Here are all the Amazon links. Buyers today and tomorrow (as per local time zone) will also win a free gift story. Don’t forget to email me the order details with the date of purchase. Thank you!
Starting this week Journeys Beyond and Within… will also be found in bookstores around India. Yay! Let me know if you spot it at your favorite book shop. Send me a picture.
For this week’s letter,
Some of my past writing,
quotes I love,
things to read,
and
things to watch.
Personal Growth Isn’t Happiness, But Close
Everything I know about personal growth in one place.
Read the essay now. Or Pocket it for later.
Quotes I Love
"You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down." – Charlie Chaplin
The best way to respect yourself is to never accept anything less than the best. Sometimes, though, it’s best to let go.
Yours Truly
What I’ve Been Reading
I’ve been reading short stories, books, articles, and so much more. I can’t possibly list all what I have read in the past week so I’m putting down the things I found most relevant and worthwhile.
Latest review of my 1st Book Journeys Beyond and Within... On Telegraph India: ‘Journeys Beyond and Within’ explores life-changing adventures across the world’
To quote the kind reviewer Priyam Mirik: "Journeys Beyond and Within: An Indian Woman’s Life-Changing Adventures explores the profound impact of travel through a collection of personal stories that transcend mere sightseeing.
This book takes readers across diverse landscapes in Southeast Asia and South America — be it the mystical allure of mountains, the chaotic charm of bazaars, or the vast solitude of the wilderness. But beyond the physical destinations, these stories dive into the emotional and philosophical shifts that travel sparks, making for an introspective as well as an adventurous read."
Very happy to see such a beautiful review that acknowledges how Journeys Beyond and Within... is true to its title: as much as about the outside as about the inner journey one goes on while traveling.
I’ve been reading many books simultaneously including: Above Average by Amitabha Bagchi. Will update in the next letter.
What I’ve Been Watching/Listening
that’s worth mentioning
I am hardly getting any time to watch anything.
And for all adventure lovers!
a last photo from my recent adventures :-)
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Thank you for reading! I hope you have a lovely Sunday.
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Yours,
Priyanka
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